


Drug and Other Bloods

by singing_to_shipwreck (shocked_into_shame)



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Drunken Kissing, I'm drunk you're drunk we are all drunk, M/M, drunk, have you ever considered that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24566917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shocked_into_shame/pseuds/singing_to_shipwreck
Summary: The gang is drunk, and Guillermo is feeling affectionate. Send tweet.
Relationships: Guillermo/Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 163





	Drug and Other Bloods

**Author's Note:**

> I am legit drunk right now and wrote this fic while drunk so like???? is it english??? who knows  
> please excuse any mistakes i might have made  
> kudos and comments are nice and they make me smile

Guillermo sat on the library sofa, leaning back with his arms spread out at his sides. He enjoyed the tingling sensation in his fingertips and his toes, the rush of blood in his head. His eyes were heavy lidded, and he couldn’t wipe the almost permanent doofy smile from his face.

His head spun, but it felt good. He was blissed out, barely able to form a coherent thought, and his master was in the same position, it seemed. He watched on in amusement as Laszlo and Nadja slow danced by the massive stuffed bear. There was no music playing - just Nadja singing in her shrill, vibrating voice. 

Guillermo thought she sounded beautiful. He voiced as much, slurring, “Nadja!!!! Your voice…  _ stunning _ .” 

“Thank you, Guii--- Guiller--- Guillermo,” she hiccuped, pausing her song to respond. She struggled to stay upright, only held there by the firm grip of her husband holding onto her shoulders. She laughed and Guillermo joined in. No one told him to stop. It was  _ nice _ . 

Nandor was sitting cross-legged on the floor near the bookshelf, with a book open upside-down. “What are all of these squiggly guys, Guilleeeeeermo?” he asked, looking up with wide eyes. “They don’t even make any sensings! Is this the English? Are they playing a trick on me? Fucking guys,” he muttered, looking down at the book sadly. 

“Nooooo,” Guillermo responded with a giggle. He moved to stand and quickly realized that wouldn’t be possible. He instead slithered off of the couch, crawling over to his master slowly and peering at the book over his glasses. He gasped and pointed. “It’s upside down, master! That’s why!”

Nandor’s jaw dropped. “WOAH!” he exclaimed. “That is wild, Guillermo! I cannot believe you were aste---astu---atute enough to notice this.” He squinted and flipped the book right side up. He focused on the writing for what felt like hours to Guillermo, who was now lying on his stomach, his hot face pressed to the cool wooden floor. “This still doesn’t look like English to me,” he hissed, shoving the book in front of Guillermo’s face. 

Guillermo frowned and narrowed his eyes. “No. No, I can’t read that, Nandor. No, no.” He closed his eyes, then, smiling deliriously. “Oh, the floor is so cold. Nice floor. Good floor.” 

“Guillermo!” Nandor whined, patting Guillermo on the shoulder. “You called me Nandor. You can’t do that!” 

“Sure I can! That’s your name, silly!” Guillermo giggled. Nadja stopped her singing. 

“That is your name, Nandor! That is the truth, old chap. Although Gizmo… I don’t think that you are supposed to say that! But I’ll be damned if I can remember why.” 

“It’s because he’s…” Nandor began, trailing off as he began to forget what he was trying to say. “It is because he is my familiar! And he is not supposed to say my name even though it is my name. Do you know what I am saying, Guillermo?” he hissed, words slurring together. 

“Yeah,” Guillermo responded with a huff, pouting. “I just don’t think it’s fair everyone else gets to call you that but I don’t.” He rolled over on his back, then, staring up at Nandor with puppy dog eyes. His hands began to hover in the air above him, painting all sorts of shapes to go along with his rambling. “I don’t think that’s very fair! That’s your name!” 

Nandor looked very serious, then, thinking about it. He frowned down at Guillermo, not angry, per-se, but more  _ confused _ . Then his eyes suddenly brightened. “A-ha!” he exclaimed. 

“A-ha!” Nadja drunkenly echoed from the other side of the room. 

“A-ha,” Laszlo moaned, suddenly feeling very ill.

“A-ha!” Nandor repeated. 

Guillermo’s eyes furrowed. “A-ha what? What’s the a-ha?” he whined. 

“A-ha is because I just thought that you have a  _ special _ name for me, Guillermo. Everybody calls me Nandor, but YOU are the only one who gets to call me  _ master _ ,” he smirked and poked Guillermo’s supine shoulder. “Isn’t that nice, Guillermo?” 

Guillermo made a  _ thinking face _ to show that he was thinking, of course, and nodded furiously. “Yes. Yes. I have a special name for you.” He gasped, sitting up and turning to look at Nandor. “But you don’t have a special name for me!” He was suddenly very sad. It wasn’t fair that he had a special name for Nandor, but Nandor didn’t have a special name for him in return. He could cry. He was close to it. 

Nandor frowned. “Well, that’s okay, Guillermo!” he asserted, reaching forward to tap his knee hesitantly. 

Nadja chimed in again, breaking the dancing to hobble over them. “When you think about it,” she slurred. “We are usually calling you other names! Like Gizmo. Nandor is the only one that always calls you Guillermo, so that must be worth something!” 

Guillermo looked up at her and reached for the hem of her skirt, wiping his tears on it. She must have been pretty sloshed on drug blood, because she let him do it without complaint. “You’re right, Nadja,” he said, pulling away, suddenly cheery. “That makes me feel soooooo much better.” 

“Good!” Nandor inserted. “I am glad of that, Guillermo.” He looked down at the book in his lap. “Hey, how’d this book get here? And why isn’t it in English?” 

Laszlo suddenly announced, “My darling wife! What do you say we retreat to the bedroom upstairs for some drunken love-making?” 

“Oh, yes,” Nadja responded gleefully, clapping her hands. 

“Goodbye, you two,” Nandor said cheerfully, waving with a big hand. “Have fun with your sex!”

Nadja and Laszlo stumbled out of the room, laughing and clinging together as they went. They closed the library door behind them with a slam. 

Guillermo sighed and looked up at the ceiling, deep in thought. He still felt delightfully buzzy, but seeing Nadja and Laszlo so in love made him sad. He wanted something like that! It wasn’t fair. He wanted to say something, and it would have been very easy to, but the small part of him that remained sober put a halt to it.  _ Don’t do anything stupid _ , the sober voice inside of him said. It sounded suspiciously like his abuelita.  _ Don’t say anything you will regret in the morning _ . 

So, instead he continued lying on the floor, mouth shut firmly. His eyes were beginning to drift shut. 

Nandor startled him out of his stupor. “Did you enjoy your eleventh anniversary, Guillermo?” he asked, pushing the book off of his lap. It hit the floor with a loud thud that made Guillermo wince and cover his ears. “I know it was not a traditional celebration. We have never done this before! But after last year…” Nandor trailed off, a deep frown etched on his features. 

Guillermo opened his eyes, peering at him suspiciously. “What about last year?” 

“You hated my gift!” Nandor blurted. His eyes went wide and he covered his mouth in shock. “Oh, I was not meaning to say that,” he explained behind his hands. Guillermo could barely understand his muffled words, so he reached forward and pawed at his forearm, pulling his hands away from his mouth. “I just meant to say that last year I made that glitter portrait for you, and you didn’t seem to care for it very much. So this year I wanted to do something different.”

Guillermo felt he was going to cry all over again. “Oh, master,” he frowned, patting the space on the floor beside him. “Why don’t you just lie down near me, okay?” 

“Okay,” Nandor agreed with a frown. He shifted his body to lie flat on the floor, his leather-cladden arm pressed against the length of Guillermo’s. They stared at the ceiling together. It was easier to talk like this, Guillermo thought. The position made the spinning in his head easier to ignore so he could force words from his mouth. And he couldn’t see Nandor’s face, so he couldn’t psych himself out. 

“Why don’t you tell me what you were talking about?” 

“You hated that gift! And I worked for a very long time on it, Guillermo.” Nandor crossed his arms and raised one leg, his boot-cladded foot aiming at the ceiling. 

Guillermo laughed. 

“Oops!” he said. “I’m not laughing at you, master. I’m just laughing at your leg!” 

Nandor hadn’t seemed to notice his leg. He pointed at it and gasped. “Look at it, Guillermo!” he exclaimed excitedly. “That’s my leg!” 

“Yes. Nice leg,” Guillermo responded as though he were speaking to a dog rather than a leg. 

“As I was saying, Mr. Leg, Guillermo didn’t like the gift I gave him last year. So this year, I decided to take him out for a night of what the humans call  _ partying _ . We drank the drug blood, and he drank the… What was it you drank, Guillermo?”

“Patrón.” 

“Yes, leg,” Nandor explained seriously, his leg still hovering in the air. “Guillermo drank the pay-tron. And I drank some humans who drank some pay-tron. And now we are both drunk. And this is all because he didn’t like his gift last year.” Nandor’s voice cracked toward the end of his sentence, his leg finally dropping to the floor with a dull crash. 

Guillermo felt very guilty. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the gift. It was just that he had been expecting so much more than a glitter portrait. But he supposed that, from his master’s point of view, he hadn’t been particularly eager about it. And it must have taken a lot of work! Guillermo wanted to cry, so he did. But just a little. 

He rolled over onto his stomach again, propping himself up on his forearms and turning to look at his master’s profile, enjoying the way his nose did that thing on his face, and the way his dark hair fanned around him. “I’m sorry, master,” he whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek. “I’ve hurt your feelings. I just thought you were going to make me into a wampire!” he explained, frowning. “I was a little disappointed when that wasn’t my gift. But I still like the glitter portrait!”

“Do you promise?” Nandor pleaded, reaching out and resting his hand on Guillermo’s back. “Do you promise me this with… with that finger? That the humans promise with?”

“Yes. I pinky promise. And I’d even lift up my hand to show you my pinky, but I can’t really move,” he explained, giggling. He looked at Nandor’s face, again enjoying his nose and his eyes and his hair. “Your nose,” he breathed. 

“What about my nose? Is it still there?” Nandor asked, eyes wide. His hand flew up to his face a little too quickly, and he slapped himself with his palm. “Please tell me my nose is still there, Guillermo. I won’t have my nose stolen again.” 

“No, no,” Guillermo explained in a rush. “Your nose is still there! I just wanted to say that it’s nice. It’s a very, very nice nose.”

“It’s not too big? I think some of my 37 wives thought it was too big. Although, you know what they say about big noses.” 

“Big--” 

“Yes,” Nandor interrupted, smiling. “Big hearts. Very, very big hearts.” 

Guillermo furrowed his eyebrows. He had lost track of the conversation. What were they discussing? Oh. Right.  _ Nose. _ “Your nose, master!” Guillermo smiled. “It’s so nice.”

“Thank you, Guillermo.”

“And your eyebrows. Very stern. Very nice.”

“Yes, I have heard this before.”

“And your hair. So soft and silky.”

“Well, you do a good job brushing it, Guillermo,” Nandor admitted, grazing his fingers against the small of Guillermo’s back. He traced nonsensical patterns there. 

“Thank you, master.” Guillermo’s face felt hot. The sober voice of his abuelita was growing fainter and fainter. “And your lips,” he admitted. His head was still swimming. He hoped there was a lifeguard ready to save him. “Your lips are so nice. Full for a man.”

“Do you think so?” Nandor asked, his dark eyes fixated on Guillermo’s own lips. That was probably a figment of his drunk imagination! There was no way that Nandor was looking at him like that. “I think your lips look nice too, my Guillermo,” he slurred. Oh fuck. Guillermo guessed that Nandor  _ was _ looking at him like that. 

“I could kiss you,” Guillermo blurted. Abuelita had left the building. 

“So why don’t you?” Nandor challenged, still tracing distracting patterns on Guillermo’s back. 

Guillermo could barely hold his head up, the weight far too heavy on his neck. So it was very, very easy to let his head drop, then, close to his master’s face, and to join their lips in a rough kiss. Nandor’s hand flew up to grip him by the shoulder and he kissed back insistently. 

Guillermo moaned, delirious, the drunken heat of his face soothed by the coolness of Nandor’s mouth. 

Nandor pulled away, a small satiated smile spreading across his face. He closed his eyes and lay back down, the back of his head thumping against the hardwood floor. Guillermo let his forearms give out, lying flat with his arms at his sides. His hand brushed against Nandor’s, and he smiled. 

“That was nice, Guillermo,” Nandor murmured, his eyes still closed. His fingers entwined with Guillermo’s. The angle was weird, but it felt nice. The fog was still firmly in Guillermo’s head, refusing to clear, and his fingertips buzzed on, the sensation only intensified by Nandor’s hand against his own. “What a nice dream,” he murmured, before drifting into sleep. 

Guillermo was distantly aware of the need to protect Nandor from the sun. But he remembered that they were safe in the library, the windows darkened and the door shut. He agreed, dreamily, “A very, very nice dream.”

He let himself fall asleep, his cheek pressed against the floor, his hand touching Nandor’s, and a smile permanently etched on his face. 


End file.
